thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
