i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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