I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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