Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
