Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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