Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
