Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize