We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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