Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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