I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
