Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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