Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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