the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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