Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
