I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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