She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
