if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize