my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
