I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
