I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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