I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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