I think I just saw someone hide a body.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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