just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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