we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
