...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
