Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
