her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
