Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize