I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
