Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
