I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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