if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We left an ass print on the piano.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
