dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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