There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
