Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
