Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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