Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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