I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
