Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just cropdusted the office
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I got inside last night via doggy door
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
