My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
