At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
