I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
