So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
