On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
