can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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