I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
