My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
