3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
