Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
