Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
kristin has been a bad kristin
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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