He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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