stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
