i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
