And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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