Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She's JV to your varsity
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
