this beer tastes like vomit already
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
sarcasm needs its own font
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
