I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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