Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
