Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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