I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
