This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
