Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
