sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
